yo my bday is less then one week away. hope youve found another annoying candian i can lick dairy products off of. also sorry about your loss
i just picked a peanut m&m up off the floor. with my toes. and then proceeded to eat it.
awesome recipe for disaster- bar hopping at the airport
you knoww youre high when you are just as concerned as the contestants on ultimate cake off as they move their 250 lbs cake over the ramp
She was surprised when she saw all our living room furniture was made from old kegs. It's like she's never met us before...
I thought of you this morning when I woke up in a bed with a girl wrapped in duct tape dressed as a coors light can.
So neither of us had a dollar bill and we couldnt find a straw so we spent all nite doing coke through penne pasta
at crossfit today a guy shit his pants while deadlifting 405 lbs. coach made fun of him then congratulated him on his new personal record.
No, just kidding. But your faith in me to throw a lesbian bridal shower makes me think I an pull it off. To the LGBT bar!
The guy I screamed at across the bar for booing the Bruins ended up buying me shots I had to explain to him there's not a chance in hell I would ever fuck a Canadian! #Bostonstrong
Why is everyone judging me for telling the cat a bedtime story?
I don't intentionally mean to ruin relationships for personal gain but. Yeah nah I totally do.
How I know that I'm single: when I get a save the date for a wedding & I read "& guest" my first thought was does my bottle of Jack Daniels count.
Here when you come to your senses come back here and I'll fuck you back out of them.
Wtf did i hit my head on?
Tequila
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