I just crawled out of a second story window using a sheet and his clothes for a rope so he wouldn't wake up.
I am so glad I watched Macgyver as a kid.
We should write a comic book about the many adventures of your vagina. Maybe even give it a cape or something.
No I'm not okay I had a crush on the singer of Tokio Hotel for four months and now you tell me he's a dude?
The one from last night got me a whole floor of Eskimo Brothers. There was a celebration of high fiving as I left
Everything's a blur with pockets full of jello
Your cock is gonna weep like a baby
Highlight of the weekend: getting roundhouse kicked in the dick while switching from reverse cowgirl.
Naw man, if he's crazy enough to jerk off on a public bus he's too crazy for me to fuck with
But I do cardio so I don't get winded during sex really it's not like I'm trying to lose weight
At the bar, some guy bumped into you and you screamed "hey, don't touch what you can't afford sunshine!"
You went to a drug deal in a onesie.
I'm only bisexual one week out of the month. Nothing like ovulation hormones to make the genders of my hookups seem completely irrelevant.
He's my ex's boss. I'm not above sleeping with him for that fact alone.
MY BUTT IS BIG ENOUGH FOR AN ANACONDA AND HE DOESNT GET TO ENJOY IT TOUGH SHIT
So I come home this morning to get ready for a job interview and there is garlic seasoning all over the hardwood and a knife in the wall. What. the. fuck.
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