Can you please tell me why there's a bottle of urine on my night stand with a note that says "in case you're thirsty in the morning"? Thanks.
I looked her in the eye and told her I was 'balls deep' in love with her...She said that wasn't saying much. Time to drink away the sadness...
i got us a cheese tray and a bottle of whiskey
ugh yes i love our date nights
Ja rule starts his prison sentence today #3475th reason we should drink tonight
Well at least he is okay. If you call the fetal position in my living room floor "okay"...
Her stepmother interrupted our sex to tell her it was midnight and she wanted to do a sympathy shot for her 50th.
Don't break up.
If this nail lady pinches my achilles one more time im kicking her directly in her bedazzled boobs
he thought it would be funny to put his dick inside a beer bottle and wear it around. until we all realized how small his dick would have to be to fit in a beer bottle
You know i love you, but i just cannot fuck you until your eyebrow grows back. It's too hard not to laugh.
well I didn't shave for the hot dilf I banged last week so I'm sure as hell not shaving for you. Sry
Do they still have sex clubs in San Francisco? Because that'd be an interesting way to spend Easter.
I just ate apple sauce in my underwear. This isn't 30. This is 3.
Hey, don't blame me for the shitty evening; I wasn't the one who promised hookers, Dos Equis and foster kittens. Keith was.
he said he's going to burn things and pack his stuff. he may leave tomorrow supposedly but i doubt it
Got electrocuted a second ago, is it weird that I have a boner?
Randomize
