she insisted i was the anonymous guy on formspring that kept asking to bang her
Clearly I went along with it
Oh shit. The kids are pole dancing on a broom. It's like I'm seeing my future offspring before my eyes.
she's on the floor slapping my dogs face with slices of pizza
I fell alseep but then some dude picked me up. Comforter and all stuck a blunt in my mouth and carried me back downstairs because "I wasn't done partying"
Apparently she was filling Miller Lite bottles with water because I refused to be seen drinking water in a bar
You were definitely doing something right. You could only see the colored parts of his eyes a couple of times. I was pretty sure he was dead at some point.
We love you just as you are but we might love you more if we didn't have to post bail so often...
He said I could liberate his beef and all I could think about was how I don't eat veal for political reasons.
When I tell my children how I survived hurricane Sandy I'll probably leave out the threesome
Siri makes being stoned even easier. I don't even Have to type my texts myself
Though I typed a half of that one
Well, I made it all the way to the gas station. And from there, I begged a cab driver who was parked outside, to give me a piggy back ride the final 2 blocks to my apartment. I wasn't in the cab. Didn't have to pay. Drunk me is smart, and very lazy.
So, my ex just showed me the drunk voicemail we left him last night. Started out with me saying "I think it's Shane." Then you took my phone and started singing a song about peanut butter, train tracks, and tequila. I joined in. On the upside, he said he's totally fine with being on the drunk dial list from now on. Soooo, another tequila night??
you flipped over the sheets and there was my bed. filled with ding dongs.
I found Erin. She's getting a back massage from the coat check boy and drinking all his whiskey.
i'll...probably just offer you drugs?
i'll...probably take them in all honesty
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