On friday while at the hotel bar by myself (creepy) I made friends w/ a millionaire who said he may be running for the position of mayor in richmond va (likely a lie). At one point during our discourse he asked if I was crazy. In the effort of full disclosure I looked him in the eye and said yes
I don't know what prompted his inquiry, clearly this man had impeccable intuition
He kept asking me to take off my bra and I sat up so he could. He fumbled with it for a few minutes and when I sighed and went to undo it he goes, "Yeah, you got this."
Disney World has no open container laws. Ohmygod this place is even cooler than it was when I was ten.
Improvement. She went from pretending she was the soccer ball in the world cup games and it hurt when they kicked her to passed out on the floor.
I have now hooked up with 8 of the Apostles. I have no idea where I'm going to find a guy named Bartholomew.
she asked me which thongs i though her boyfriend would like best. fuck the friend zone
dude i should have never cleaned my ears out while high. theres no going back.
He's currently surrounded by roughly 23 girls he fucked and never called. He may not make it out of here. Bar of doom? Or of redemption?
I don't know what I would do if cheese never existed
Someone's stooooned
My girlfriend is pregnant with her exs baby. 2014 just became the worst year
I lost my bar virginty and made out with a dwarf. It was a good night
I tried eating pop-rocks while giving him a bj, I honestly think I was more disappointed with the results than he was.
You kept running around yelling "I need my pajamas" & then you got naked. Shit just went downhill from there.
You better have a raging boner when I get to your house and it better be worth missing work in the morning.
The end of the friendship was inevitable. I hooked up with her cousin and forgot to mention it to her
Randomize
