Came home to a chalk baord that read:" Think like a rapist." Can't say I'm surpirsed.
Oh. Im drinking alone in a banana costume. Every time youre feeling down, i want you to think of me right now and know that your life is better than mine.
I was drunk at peters. now im drunk at my apartment. and hungry. but mcdonalds is broken. wtf
he's dressed up as spiderman, i don't understand why he's crying.
and then they started calling me 'Shitshow Shandra', which apparently i took as a compliment.
My patience ran out after you started clapping at the strippers everytime they took off a piece of clothing.
omg he fucking fingered me this morning. and i was just like this is the most awkward alarm clock ive ever had
It's official. The summoning powers of my vagina are unmatched by anything in this world.
We are going to be Siegfried and Roy for Halloween and you are going to be the tiger.
I was standing when I hit it. I barely made it to the couch before the walls started turning into people.
Just got arrested in my crocs and rolled up pants with a mr rogers sweater for literally fucking nothing can u come get me?
... drunk me broke the coffee table?
STOP TALKING ABOUT YOURSELF IN THE THIRD PERSON. YOU DID THE THING.
Hey can you tell Daniel there's a bottle of Captain Morgan's in the dryer ...
Sorry I think you have the wrong number
Yes it looks like I do
How do you say happy birthday to someone you fuck occasionally that almost got you arrested? Like what do I text.
Like my mom really needs to know just how non existent my sex life is
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