just jacked off with my ROTC uniform on. boy i feel like an american.
I wana party with Kermit the frog, no wait. Fozzy the bear. He's probably a silly bitch when he's drunk.
i can't believe i brushed your teeth last night. so drunk.
Bro I can't jerk it to my phone anymore. I feel Siri staring back, and she's real disappointed.
Listen, you need to start thinking with your vagina and not with your heart... That emotional shit is for your 30s.
you crashed our wine night double date and sat on the floor eating cheese talking about how big his dick is.
For once I want to have sex without having to google the after effects of it.
I'm just trying to absorb as much of the fluids from the carpet as I can.
When he pulled it out last night I asked if that was as hard as it was going to get. I think I may have offended him.
Next time a random bus filled with santas pulls up to the bar, I'm not getting on it.
I also woke up in a guys bed in a Reptar shirt yesterday morning staring at a movie theater sized poster of the not as popular Air Bud franchise movie Super Buddies.
All I want is a hot dog on a Saturday at 2:19 is that to much to ask?!
did the thing where I quickly swipe right to every girl on Tinder & matched with my sis. God I hope swiping carelessly is hereditary
Matt is trying to convince me that we have a deal where if I show him my tits he won't do cocaine. Apparently we shook hands on it?
i feel like i got punched in the face....
you did....
Randomize
