These people need to leave so I can have rum and Doritos at work like every other American.
a dead guy is trying to sell me oxy clean on my tv
Stop trying to talk to my friends!!
then get some ugly ones...
I just woke up in a puddle of boob sweat. Definitely time to consider a reduction.
I think one day, after evolution kicks in, my sons will thank me for having a 3rd ball. That's how much sex I'm having.
Sometimes I stop and laugh and think "and these are my actual life choices".
Article 1, law 1, section 1 of the apartment 25 party handbook: tarp will be purchased prior to any and all future parties. Aforementioned tarp will be placed on floor. Any and all sick patrons must relocate to tarp preceding the event of expulsion of bodily fluids. Failure to do so will result in ejection of guilty patron and banishment of the accused from succeeding party. All patrons must read and sign a copy before entry is granted.
blew off easter dinner with the fam to go play shot roulette. woke up in nothing but my boxers in the back of a random pickup truck.
Just read 119 best sex positions. I wanna try 107 of them. Can I put you down for 50?
Just yelled out loud for someone to buy me a drink, 30 seconds later random guy on grindr asks what I'm drinking.
There's a 98% chance your drink will taste like rohypnol
Who breaks their ankle the day before a beach wedding? This guy. Maybe this is karma for fucking someone's wife? Idk.
I had a glass of wine for breakfast. It's gonna be a rough week.
Dude I got in an Uber this morning and he goes “I drove you last night”\n“You got your dick sucked in the back seat”
I was pretty sure he wouldn't be into me after I fucked his brother, and then his best friend, and yet, here I am doing lines off his stomach
so do you remember taking your shirt off and just standing in your bra at the bar or no?
Randomize
