We decided to smoke and then made crosses on our foreheads for ash wednesday
mom would be proud
i need to know the scientific term for a guy's taint so i can explain what i did last night.
Obama is so hot when he ends wars.
we were both as far on opposite edges of my bed as possible this morning. id say work is gonna be a little uncomfortable from now on
Chasing 100 proof soco w water from the tap at 4 pm, it's gonna one of those kinda Thursdays...
It's a sign that no dudes december is about to start: I have a yeast infection.
I HAVE A BLACK EYE FROM A DILDO!! IM GETTING MARRIED TOMORROW! THIS IS NOT A MISSUNDERSTANDING!
im actually so stoned and hungover i feel like a bag of jello stuffed into a human shape
My costume for the end of the world party was a success. Everyone in the ER thought I was there because I got hit by a car when it was actually from alcohol poisoning.
The 78 year old woman who works next to me divorced her ex husband, remarried her first husband, and retired all in one day. I'd say it makes your breakup on Valentine's day pretty insignificant.
Legitimately sent a work email with "Hey, you kids, get off my lawn" as the subject line.
I hooked up with a guy dressed up as morning wood. Needless to say he lived up to his costume.
Nothing says I love you as your fiancé bringing back home your drunk brother from his own stag party
Death by dick. An honorable death. Put a picture of his dick in the photo collage at my funeral.
That's not the problem. The problem is I thought I was over him but he smells nice today.
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