someone called me shannon dorrhety annnd it hurt my feelingsd.
areolas are like halos for boobs.
The fact you even thought licking it would fix it boggles my mind
Well it worked
Not the point
My roommate is trying to suck beer out of the rug.
Attention: due to the power outage we will not be playing drinking games and watching the royal wedding. Bring your own bottle and we'll just drink in silence.
My grandmother cheats at beer pong and has been rubbing her tainted victory in my face for an hour now.
Yea, I had a chaperone thankfully. I'm in the fetal position attempting to eat captain crunch now.
Do you remember me making bird noises at the bartender with some guy at the bar last night?
It's a journey
And the destination is his penis?
Precisely.
its not that I hate him, it's just that I wish his penis was attached to someone i like more
I woke up wearing a headband made of condoms. It was supposed to be a crown for the "prettiest fag hag" award I won last night. There is lube in my hair. I'm going back to sleep
Well, we all woke up in drag with no memory of why we were in drag. On the plus side, this shade of lipstick looks really good on me.
I'm sorry I tried to stab you. I just really wanted those mozerella sticks.
If I get the job, I'm gonna get wasted to celebrate. If I don't get the job, I'm gonna get wasted to forget. Win-Win
Is texting an old booty call with "can you still get your ankles behind your ears?" an appropriate way to reemerge into the singles scene???
Randomize
