i really wish my pants would only unzip when im sober
were talking about masturbation in my pysc class. He says it's healthy. I'm gonna live forever
I hid 4 bags of cocaine in your house. Have fun finding them
I sent out a mass text that said "margaritas for Jesus?" and nobody responded, worst Easter ever.
My costume is made up of 4 inch heels and a firefighter costume I'm borrowing from the dramatic play area of my Pre-K classroom. I told you I could still be slutty on a teacher's salary.
The tequila covers up the fact that the choco liquor tastes like sadness.
His ex-girlfriend just gave his current girlfriend the heimlach omg omg omg help this is so awkward
wtf... you literally introduced yourself as "that friend who's going to fuck all your other friends."
I hope you know that means regardless of their gender.
Son of a bitch took my liquid eyeliner
Seriously I'm not after your cock. It's a nice bonus, like finding $20 in the dryer, but not the reason I hang out with you.
Apparently mid making out I got up and said "I need to figure out my life" went in the bathroom and threw up for two hours.
Can now check off "Start bar fight with my dad." on my bucket list.
I told him we can’t see each other today because absence makes the heart grow fonder but mostly I just need to rest my vag
My life is just a trash fire of work and Japanese video games now
The work outs are working. Someone just said my body type was “Tits On A Stick”.
Randomize
