I feel like death. Did you die last night?
Nope. Ready for round 2. Fiesta!
unreal. Greatest comeback since Jesus
I only kidnapped one of them. chill
I'm smoking weed out of a trumpet
I just did a slip and slide down the hall way of my apartment building
Tie
Dude go to the top of pikes peak right now to catch Kevin Bacon's band performing
The bacon? Yeah right. What if there's Tremors?
Him and Burt have already taken care of that. It's a once in a lifetime chance to catch the Bacon brothers live in concert. I sort of have a boner
Jack off faster Americas best dance crew is beyonce themed
I would give away a ton of these clothes but I doubt there are any homeless people who dress as slutty as me
You decided to make a porno with gummy bears and things went downhill from there.
i feel like our whole relationship was one big acid trip
new years resolution, not be in jail at midnight for 3rd year in a row.
found a half eaten roll befind my toilet today. my birthday just keeps popping up.
im like basted in vodka, i went tanning and it was like i was an alcoholic turkey being cooked in a locker of doom
the worst part about living alone is not having other peoples snacks to mooch off of when you havent gone grocery shopping in three weeks. i'm so pms-y i'm about to eat a soy sauce packet
I just gave them my two week notice. Now is the perfect time to fuck my boss's son
You walked in with a bag of weed and asked for a watermelon. For some reason they actually gave you one, and you made it into a perfectly working bong. Two of them offered their girlfriends to you for the night.
The cat just brought me a bottle opener. I think she's my soulmate.
I'd ask how but then you'd tell me.
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