i decided to cut a 3rd hole in to my snuggie so i could masturbate all the time.. all time low? or genius?
U just looked at me and said "wake me up when I'm done eating"
You are two creepy Justin Bieber quotes away from me not talking to you for the rest of the day
If I had a pelvic thrust emoticon, I would use it
I just opened a bottle of wine with a shoe and a tube of mascara. Get on my level
Cancel that soberness update. I just almost fell down in the security line
I dont know how to respond to your rave picture. I mean yeah, he's hot, but it just seems wrong to be like "Please tell me you fucked that guy with the pacifier!"
Its completely acceptable to go naked under my graduation gown right?
Some ppl might frown upon it but theyre prudes
Bro, did you watch that scooby doo porn I sent to you?
She said I'm so hungry I could eat a dick and winked at me
Would it be weird if your parents sold me weed?
True love: he brought me a margarita while was in the shower. He's a keeper.
There's going to be a velveeta shortage. I'm not drunk any more, this is just dire info.
I just watched my ex butt chug a quart of eggnog. Why did I dump her again?
I won the 'drunkest person at a family event' award tonight.
They just made me take another shot and I found out the liquor store next to my brothers house has a petting zoo
Mind. Blown.
Randomize
