i just pooped in tubberware. not a proud day
She just dipped a dollar bill in her queso dip and almost ate it before I slapped it out of her hand, no more bar crawls..
Its really not funny anymore. I need to stop shaving while i'm drunk
I think I told some stripper my friend owned Groupon Last night
My eyes feel like they're throwing up and I am the only human on campus
Can I color on your dick again?
He held back my hair as I puked, then kindly asked me to slightly move my head over and pissed right next to my face.
dude my grandma just called my dealer. How does this shit happen to me
Everyone here knows me as 'that chick who will most likely steal your girlfriend'. My 99% success rate tells me this name is acceptable.
I've orgasmed four times in the past 24 hours. And my mom's dropping off cookies later
you told the taxi driver your yeast infection was so bad you wanted to F a popsicle
He hand fed me trail mix then I watched the video of me the next morning. He was actually feeding me meow mix.....that drunk. I still have no regrets marrying him
fuck sobriety. I want to wake up tomorrow in a park or some shit.
The next time you invite me out to a bar full of cougars warn me first. I never felt like a piece of meat before.
He tried to do a JoJo pose and wound up breaking his wrist in the process. Truly a story for the ages.
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