I cannot find my penis.
So I answered the door in my underwear expecting my boyfriend. Instead I opened the door to Mormon missionaries. Do you think that was a sign from God?
I'm going to get a baby outfit made and send it to her that says: "My husband fucked his subordinate and all I got was another baby".
listen if there's one thing I'm asking of you tonight is that you buy me a cow for my farmville.
Tell me you're stoned. It's 2:40am.
Semi hypothetical question. Do you think its physically possible to bruise your clit?
Drinking wine out of an empty soup can and watching spongebob squarepants.. I eveb hate myself
Sex with him was like teaching a two year old how to work a machine gun
He told me something must be wrong, because no one had seen my boobs yet
HELP THE ONLY THING THAT'S HELPING ME DISTINGUISH BETWEEN THE TWO OF THEM IS THE DIRECTION OF THEIR WINKY FACES OMFG
No one ever gets any after sleeping with her. She is like the broken mirror of hookups, enjoy 7 years of blue ball. Don't say I didn't warn you
Donald Trump and I would be so adorably orange together!
I woke up to some strange woman rubbing peanut butter on my thighs
Firstly: alligator costume is happening anyway. But I'll see what I can do about the balls.
We kept having to tell you that you couldn't just sit wherever you wanted at Walmart. Sitting in the middle of the raw meat section was unacceptable and children were staring at you.
sooo, that video of you eating lasangna with the strobe going magically reappeared on my phone
Randomize