a man that wears gold spandex underwear and party boys other people is a man after my own heart.
why would she cut her hair? she needs all the distractions possible from those texas-sized gums and horse teeth.
So I'm really hungover walking to work and these douches from comcast on bikes ask if they can take a picture with me to show that they're doing their job. The picture: me, this chick from comcast, i'm holding a 2 ft. pixie stick, a comcast flyer and i'm puking in the parking lot. sounds like their doing a good job!
I don't even have to turn the heat on in my car. Just fart the whole way home.
We can't have sex anymore. The amount of money I've spent on meds and copays for UTIs is getting ridiculous
if that's jizz on my steering wheel i'm gonna be pissed...and impressed.
I mean, I know going to rehab probably didn't make her a lesbian, but I can always hope
Just went outside to gather hail to use to make margaritas since we ran out of ice. That's God's way of helping us out.
You know whats not fun? Making yourself throw up on a sand dune at 4 in the morning.
How'd your Tinder date go?
Well, I met his girlfriend...
You licked my eyeball, you are officially cut off. If you just missed you can have a second chance on Friday.
I have a sixth sense for large penises and lack of morals
If you dont get laid dressed as Woody Harrelson in Zombieland, I have lost all faith in the men of nw Indiana.
you went over there?
His drunk texts were grammatically perfect. At least our kids will be smart.
First day of school is awesome. I get to meet my students and figure out which of their mothers I’ I’m going to bang
Randomize
