Multitasking record: pooping whilst putting on shoes and cleaning ear with q-tip. All while texting.
Update: fell off toilet, one shoe on, q-tip still in ear. Not a pro.
I feel like a panda just shit rainbows on my mind
Do you reaalllllly want to put "porn editor" on your resume?
you dont have to exercise, you threw up last night!
I love the "adulterer" look on you. It's hot.
Its part of my fall instant classic line.
hes totally cute, too bad i slept with his father
Just found a picture of me licking the bouncers ear last night
It's sad the highlight of the night was you didn't electrocute yourself again.
Just took a shot out of a used mini planter. Might die from the pesticides, but didnt want whoever took all of my shotglasses to think they won.
There are two women in my bed. I'm gonna have a bowl of noodles so I can better understand my success.
I'm such a good drunk match marker. You single, you single... Drunk friend meet single boy. BOOM illegitimate baby made!
When you wake up to a porn star on your couch telling you, you better tell your boyfriend about last night.
Pretty sure keeping my vibrator in the same drawer with the weed makes it work better. I fall asleep almost immedi
Jus had a dream that I borrowed bob dylans car to save us from a pack of raptors. Pretty stoked about it.
We are totally like Jim and Pam, except ya know, drunk and not together anymore.
Randomize
