Sex has been so nonexistent lately that when I was masturbating the other day, I actually paused to yawn.
just scratched off #34 on my list of things to do before age 30 - drunk in a helicopter.
The iPad is going to make my porn collection SO much more glossier... thanks steve jobs.
Dude let's go to Saudi Arabia. They outlawed valentine's day. And probably love.
Some girl next to me in class is making a list of whta to pack for spring break & it was a normal list until she put birth control in all caps w/ stars around it
Uggh answer your phone, you are the only one I know who'll be proud of what I woke up next to this morning .
He had me saved in his phone as "Dick Socket". Lets see if I ever fuck him in a bathroom again.
This guy just told me he wanted to bathe in bong water with me and then tried to lick my nipple through my bra. This could be love.
I think I saw maybe 3 ugly girls the entire time we were there
Yea its like that frat house was built to keep fat chicks out of parties
David pulled a magic mike again and started stripping on every street sign we passed.
My dad found me naked curled up under a towel on the couch with a fucking tub of butter and a spoon. Ambien Mondays are dead
All I vaguely remember from last night is getting up on that nice mahogany table and debating about squirrel's rights
I like the fact that you've for some reason taken my penis into protective custody
We were still up at 6am, taking shots, because thats apparently how he liked to "get the day started".
He could only go see Deadpool without his girl if he was black-out drunk... because spoilers. They're the perfect couple.
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