She wouldn't stop telling me the story of the penis and how she got laid.
My phone has seen less use in the last three days than Tom Brady's condoms.
This guy at the party just introduced himself to me as "the guy who sat behind you on a plane last year"
every time i recognize a doctor or patient at the hospital on this rotation, i just pray it's not from my blackout saturday makeout slut moments...professionalism shouldn't count on weekends
I think u should go home and go to bed. If u get arrested in the Ohio river u go to jail in Kentucky. Nobody wants to go to jail in KY.
Youre attempt to ruin my night by putting Date Rape by Sublime on my sex playlist failed. She was into it.
he said he needs a little more pabst, some time to jack off and a sandwich and he'll be ready
By the way anyone who is willing to be in the film while tripping gets free shrooms.
So I'll bring my machete and we can smoke your shit.
Out of context, that is a hilariously scary message.
My liver is whispering mean things about me to my kidneys. It's a fucking miracle I'm not hungover. Lol
I achieved the level of drunk I wanted even with the length of dress I was in..
currently working on a look that screams, "I'm dead inside, but still trying to enjoy the ride"
Well you got kicked off a stripper pole. They said girls only.
Do I masturbate or eat a pound of matazah. Alissa help what do I do??
I'm sorry I missed your birthday brunch. If it makes you feel any better I woke up wearing someone else's toga and a sombrero
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