I'm like connect-the-dots of drunk. Whiskey, bourbon, vodka, rum, gin. The hidden picture is me faceplanting.
We had sex on the hood of my car and broke the windshield.
Based on how hungover I feel today, it makes more sense that the bouncer didn't let me in to that bar.
But I always wanted my obit to read "Died violently in casino orgy," not "Never woke up from rectal surgery."
I just woke up to pictures of every angle of his dick I'll ever need to see.
It's official, no more fat chicks or even close to that, my balls are 2 dimentional
Do you know what your brother wants for his birthday?
Yeah he said he wants a decent blowjob for a change.
.......
I'm just looking out for you.
He goes "hi, free today?" WHEN AM I EVER FREE ON A SATURDAY, I GOT HUNGOVER TO BE AND DRUNK TO GET.
Today has been like a snow day for your boobs. No rules, just doing whatever they want.
My bank account got hacked so he showed up with a 6 pack wearing a superman cape to cheer me up and you question why I love him?
And i have once again masturbated to an amazing soundtrack. what a time to be alive
I really don't know how I went from having a few drinks to waging war against ghosts in my apartment but here we are
Hiking for a first date sounded like a good idea in theory because there was absolutely no possibility of me blacking out. In practice, I'd rather black out than go through what I just went through.
None of these texts make sense. except for "step 2.5 equals velociraptor." that i get.
Dad literally changed the channel from an episode of Big Bang Theory to another episode of Big Bang Theory. That's why I hate this show.
Randomize
