new low, i just stole money from my 5 year old sister to buy condoms
My number went up to seventeen today. I forgot to add my random hookup on a sailboat.
Oh and apparently TSA has to open your present from my family or the terrorists win
Intervention is following me on twitter.
wow.
you're in nursing school, now tell me what to do about a burned clit.
remember last night when you and I took turns yelling THIS IS HUGE in my dogs faces? I love wine night.
I mean I'm forever immortalized as the one who puked in his dad's straw hat.
FYI the landlord called, said we need to clean the puke off the side of the house...was someone on the roof lastnight??
I found out you can't leave the bar with a drink. I also found out that pouring it on the bouncers shoes is also unacceptable.
some drunk bitch driving a golf cart ran over the live band... its bad.
By this time tomorrow I expect us to be sitting at the kitchen table either playing a drinking game, or crying. Set an alarm
Will you please bring your dog over today? Apparently I was drunkenly cooking last night. There's food everywhere. I'm too hungover to clean.
Bro if you were a bird I would puke in your mouth right now
When you're really drunk, Japanese toilets just have an unnecessary amount of buttons.
Oh my God it's like my cock was dipped in lava
Randomize
