I thought I drunk dialed Adam last night and left him a voicemail. I just checked my phone. I realize I left a drunk voicemail with my son's teacher.
'Watching yourself cry on Photobooth' is the new 'watching yourself cry in the mirror.'
He just knocked over the beer pong table... I haven't seen so much fail in one room since I watched "Mall Cop" with my grandma
I just bought a CD. I feel like a traitor to my generation.
The little penguins are speaking with a hispanic accent. I dont know how to feel about it. Geographically speaking, this cant be possibly. This isnt cool.
It was scary, we all screamed. Never make mimosas in a car.
We had sex under a tree in his boss's backyard, then I hooked up with his best friend. I don't even care how I got home.
... They left for 10 minutes and came back with a lobster he's in the toilet downstairs
She wanted to to do it on top of a horse, I can't compete with that
Also I just sneezed literally 12 times in a row so violently...boogers everywhere. Sorry to ruin the sexting. I just felt like you had to know
Do one night stands count towards my number?
Yes. A penis is a penis
Even bad ones?
YES.
CUTE BOY IN THE OFFICE WALKED BY AS I WAS STARING IN HORROR AT HARRY POTTER THEMED SKELETON PORN
Do not confuse my plans for being an adult though. I will ABSOLUTELY be practicing suturing, on my porch, while getting stoned.
you drug him to get him horny then deny him sex. freaks.
We are so disgustingly codependent and I wouldn't have it any other way
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