I wish all the girls i wanted to sleep with knew how big my dick was then id have a better chance
I had another sleeping on concrete incident.
Is there a nice way of saying 'touch my penis or i dont really wanna hangout"?
Thank you, bloody toiletpaper I found in the hamper. I was worried that today was going to be boring.
I'm standing outside of the bar watching homeless men teach a kid how to pee of the sidewalk.
Hahaahaah I keep finding little notes you left me on my physics notes... "TOO HIGH FOR BIRDS"
Drinks appeared in front of me. Who am I to deny destiny? And by destiny, I mean free drinks, which appear by magic.
Please come back. She just stuck her bloody band-aid to Zach's face, has a fire extinguisher, and is talking about tornados hiding.
So I'm trying to figure out if starting the day running around the quad in a black t-shirt and bikini w/ a drawn on mustache is a good way to start the day...
He came when Ron Burgundy started playing the jazz flute. How do you think it went?
I remember grabbing your ass. So firm. So right. I don't regret it.
i woke up inside a girl that i promised i would take on a date to Chili's
In the event that Ian's ex wife asks you, tell her I'm sweet snd innocent. No reason.
I wish there was a tumbleweed emoji. Because that would describe my vagina.
I woke up wearing mittens dude
I woke up in my bathtub with the potted plant from downstairs.
checkmate.
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