If I remember correctly, I may have been smoking a cigarette on the dance floor. This is the true sign of a douchebag in his native habitat...fmylife
im keeping my plan b box as a souvenir of my first halloween weekend in college
Being this Hungover on Easter has brought my closer to Jesus... I swear he had to feel shitty like this after coming back from the dead
Def drinking wine from a 4 liter jug at 11 am. If i call you in 20 years talking about 12 steps, please trace is back to this moment.
Only in this snowstorm did have I realized the lengths I'll go to to get laid.
Housing is going to charge us for any broken dishes/glassware. Steal as many glasses as you can from the bars tonight. I got the baking dish and 3 plates covered.
If she asks the cat was vomiting before I fed it fried calamari
Rule #127: If your going to try fuck a married guy, you gotta be hotter then his wife; diet starts today.
No I got myself stoned. With her bowl. She was just a casualty of the War on Sobriety.
Omg, you would have loved the guy I almost hit with my car tonight
No don't worry! What are obnoxious, alcoholic, slut roommates for if not for uplifting words and tales of my folly?!
Hey remind me the get the pancakes out of my jacket
I just had to ask my drug dealer to "keep it simple for me". Is this a new low?
We've done worse things
You walked into the frat house and screamed "whose down to fuck" i think they were more intimidated than anything
Should I put the spider I likely swallowed in my sleep into my calorie tracker?
Randomize
