It's going to be nice going to the airport without drugs taped to my balls like last year.
I had one margarita and got the worst headache of my life... its like my liver has senior week ptsd
He picked me up for our 1st date and saw my roommate crying on the floor Fabreesing her vagina...
I thought about donating plasma but thats not the way i want to find out that i have aids
i wasn't going to tell her about the threesome but i had to explain the tree and the green paint everywhere
so why was i the only one who woke up with ham stuck to my ass?
Looks like a significant portion of my drinking money just became legal fees.
Why are you always at the walk in clinic, Lady Chlamydia?
You're not allowed to make that my permanent nickname.
You should never talk to him again. Unless its you knocking on the door and punching his dick.
Dad, is it in any way illegal for me to run around throwing handfuls of lucky charms at people tomorrow?
you're kidding right?
You tried to pay for our cab with the 2 dollars you got from selling your natty ice outside the strip club.
This guy is clearly nuts his idea of a hangover cure is a six pack poured into a camelpack then hiking 3 miles with a weighted vest. He said "learned it in the army i guess drink beer beat the heat"
Things you Cant unsee: When your smartphone syncs to your dads laptop and downloads photos...including his porn stash.
I say "glasses of whiskey" like I didn't chug it out of the bottle
Also you can't just sext a Michelle quote from Full House.
Randomize
