Moved my bed either I'm a whore or every guy I have ever slept with hid condom wrappers under my bed
She rubs her butt on the bed & then she growls..
so i was dancing to the glee soundtrack with highheels. i tripped. and the dildo fell on my face. i dont know what happened.
So there is a guy driving a robot around the college of engineering selling energy drinks
It's not mothers day until you're vomitting syrup into grandma's toilet. Cherish the holidays
A good ear swabbing is more orgasmic than sex with him
i just had to use the keg as a stool to reach the margarita maker. i'm such a problem solver.
we were running to make last call and you stopped me and said very seriously "if i fall, go on without me. just make sure theres a beer in my hand when you go"
You drank everything last night. It was like this huge deconstructed long island that went on for 5 hours
i shit in a pringles can and hid it somewhere in your house....happy hunting
Thankfully US customs doesnt have a checkbox for bringing semen into the country because my hair would still be in CDC quarantine
What's the procedure for answering a booty call from someone under house arrest?
Pregnancy test = positive. Hope you still have our old guess who game 'cause daddy elimination begins now.
You literally snort drugs up your nose and you’re questioning the brand of the multivitamin right now?
In the words of Disney’s Jafar, “desperate times call for desperate measures.”
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