I just farted so loud that my cat got so scared he fell off the couch.
i just woke up naked on my porch, holding the neighbors cat in my arms.
yea i came on her face and told her to bring a snorkel next time
If he thought that flying across an ocean to visit me in London constituted sex, he thought wrong.
Thanks i'm proud of you and I'm proud of beer and vodka for making me drunk
I also just told a guy I was available for counseling in case he needed to 'bang' things out. I've become a monster.
I'm confused as to why I have a picture of your boobs in response to a photo of my father
With a breakfast like weed and a fun size twix before a dentist appointment you can see exactly how I handle being an adult
Just watched my entire extended family eat salad out of the bowl i threw up in last night.
Last night you told me you "were too high" and didn't deserve a hashbrown.
She wouldn't eat a clam- if you blow a line pregnant you can eat a clam
You opened the door to your apartment and shrieked "THE CHAIR IS GONE!" then punted a bag of votive candles
Her blow jobs are legen wait for it seriously like 9 people I know brag about them dary
You kept flirting with some guy while I was throwing up on the sidewalk, and I screamed YOU DON'T LIKE MEN
part of it says your brother mayyyy have put his lips on my vagina
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