this guy at work is bossing me around at work. He is 24 and still has highlights and spikes his hair.
You're getting bossed around by a 1999 Highschool Yearbook picture?
You just kept saying over and over "Tell me I won't do it." Someone finally told you you won't. You did. Welcome to herpes.
is it really high of me to have brought my own hot sauce to wendys?
She said she wanted to have closure sex.
I've carried my liver for over 24 years. If it can't carry me for the next 24 hours than it deserves to be damaged.
there is nothing more depressing than your birth control alarm going off while you're masturbating, and realizing you've been taking pointless precautions for over a month now.
we're meeting twins and drinking tequila. i love life
Please come quick there are people in suits here judging me
I fell asleep in my underwear on the deck. What the fuck.
This was the best text I've ever woken up to
Last night I made the hotel shuttle driver take me to Walgreens for birth control, and Pringles.
They were both high priority
Please remind me next time not to call the ex who cheated on me to cry about the ex who forgave me for putting him in prison. It would be much appreciated.
I HAD TO TAKE A SHOT OF JAGER AND SOME REDBULL JUST TO SEE IF IT’LL MAKE MY MOUTH FEEL BETTER
"Being an adult" and "being happy" are two circles that do not overlap in my Venn diagram of life.
New strategy for telling if someone is drunk: will they attempt to drink a candle if you put a straw in it?
I need to stop using "I went to the Harry Potter theme park" as my pickup line.
Randomize
