when are you leaving homes?
it's 7:51. why the fuck are you awake at 7:51
I had a sex dream about Oprah.
go back to sleep
dude. it was a sex dream. about. Oprah.
I cant help but love a girl who informs me of the pregnancy test results by emailing me a YouTube clip of Barney Stinsons not a fathers day speech.
ive realized i need to start an "avoid moving in with my parents after graduation" fund
That would explain his violent outburst while watching barefoot contessa...
yeah, I said "hi, I'm the creepy old guy at the college bar" and she said that she like mature men, wasn't expecting that line to work
He tricked me into going on a double date with him, I don't like that he's not using me for just sex anymore
Man, just talk to her friend and help me out. Otherwise we go home alone
I'd rather jerk off with a hand full of bumble bees then talk to her
The dopest dose you'll ever dose. I felt like an octopus all of thursday
I don't get hangovers. Except once. And there is a massively epic story behind that, involving so much alcohol I should have died, and 13 raw hotdogs.
IT IS EARTH DAY, RECORD STORE DAY, 4/20 EVE, AND SATURDAY ALL AT THE SAME TIME!
I almost don't wanna have sex with her because I'm afraid she'll steal my hat
The hotel had a helipad. Of course we had sex on it.
I woke up naked in her room. More precisely, I woke up naked in her room with her and her sister laughing at my penis. I hate my life.
I want to respect them as people, but really I just want to have sex with them.
I think I kinda scared him when I tried to wrap his snake around his dick while he was trying to nap.
Randomize
