Jason just peed on the potty all by himself!!
"omg awesome!, you do realize we aren't together anymore"
I don't know which is worse: knowing all the free porn websites, or knowing which days they update their free porn.
neither the pictures you took nor my hangover explain why there are skittles in my shoe
as he left, i held up my fist and said "pound it out" and he was like "are you serious, we just had sex..."
I'm a lady, I can't pee on the ceiling. Even I don't have that power.
Got him to take a shot from the drip pan on the George Forman. He's gone now.
This dude has my number from April last year. Drunk me left sober me a puzzle. No confirmation of pants off business
I told him he was a man of science and that he should conduct experiments on my tits to see how they stay up. I need you to hold onto my larynx when I'm drunk.
Ok. Here's the plan. Take your hand (whichever is closest), summon all your nerve, and just stick it right down his pants.
I love you.
Totally just drove past you riding your bike. I was like damn, that looks like a cute little hipster boy, and then I realized it was you and that I'd already banged you and it kinda made my day. I hope you're well. Come over soon?
Are you stuck outside of your house because you forgot to walk up stairs? Cuz I've been there.
I'm telling you, this vagina is really making the rounds lately...
I just choked eating whip cream from the can, and peed a little because I was coughing so hard. How am I still single.
FUCK YEAH PUPPY BOWL
i realized my signature handshake has now become a hookup. i love what college has done to me.
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