On friday while at the hotel bar by myself (creepy) I made friends w/ a millionaire who said he may be running for the position of mayor in richmond va (likely a lie). At one point during our discourse he asked if I was crazy. In the effort of full disclosure I looked him in the eye and said yes
I don't know what prompted his inquiry, clearly this man had impeccable intuition
my grandma just informed me that patrick swayze used to babysit my dads cousins why wasn't i informed of this early...like when i was obsessed with dirty dancing!
I'm pissed I'm finding this out at 24 bc i could have used this material to make friends
Girl last night got so wet when I was going on down her it flooded up my nose. I nearly drown
I'm at my inlaws playing Scrabble. Go Fuck Yourself.
oh my god. i just found my camera... on top of the bush outside of my house. never let me drink everclear again
Idk how she did it. Either she watches freakier porn than I do, or I really need to go get tested.
I slept with a married guy last night and then broke my toe on the doorframe on the way out. I've never seen karma work so fast.
I woke up to him drunk-t-bagging me, saying "huevos rancheros" were being served for breakfast.
You will receive a large, large reward, worth much more than the actual phone you are holding, paid not only in cash but in sexual favors, if you return this phone! Please respond if you're interested in cash/sex/or just being a good person. Thanks and hope to hear from you soon!
Dude, sorry for live texting you my binge drinking. If you'd like me to do the same for my hangover, I can share that I just had to sit down while q-tipping my ears.
I apologize for tapping your ass. It was a friendly tap. Like Casper. Ya know
of course we called 911. an innocent mans booze was at steak
Your the only person to come back from spring break with a non std related infection
I made an executive decision to rename my Resume file to something other than MONEYMONEYMONEY.
my ex finally blocked me on all social media and tbh I'm only pissed because his roomate just got a puppy
he invited me over. we listened to jazz, smoked weed, then cerebrally fucked each other over a three hour game of chess
Randomize