tonights recap: old cokehead freind proposed in the middle of a country bar to his trash girlfriend, saw ex-fuck who now has star shaved into his head and another with his gf, and ex-bfs best friends crackin jokes about who would fuck me first. NEVER COMING HOME AGAIN
i would really appreciate it if you would stop texting my girlfriend.
i would really appreciate it if you would stop cock blocking me.
me texting you is like we have secret walkie talkies.
Apparently they want to see what I've been working on for the last three months. Can I just hand them a bunch of empty fifths?
He was carrying a rolled up carpet saying he was saving it for tomorrow's Walk of Fame.
I don't even know what beauty is right now. I wouldn't even pity fuck me today.
Can we just talk about how I wrote out all the stuff I had to do this week and for Thursday it says "drink and cry"? ...I don't remember putting that but it sounds like something I would do
I thought we were but then I freaked myself out. So I kind of geared him up for take off and then cancelled the launch
He FaceTimed me fucking his new girlfriend. He was wearing a banana costume.
She said she is going to be sex-slave version of Princess Leia for halloween. You think there is any way I could pull off an attractive Jabba suit?
Seriously I'm not after your cock. It's a nice bonus, like finding $20 in the dryer, but not the reason I hang out with you.
tell your brother to quit sending me his dick pics what am i going to do with them print them out and shove them up my ass???
Pretty sure the waitress here is concerned about well being bc I've been here drinking by myself for 3 hours. If only I could show here FB so she'd know I'm not alone...
You literally asked him, “Do you come here often? Do you want to visit my vagina?” With no hesitation
OMG. When you threw the used condom on your floor you threw it in my purse!!! I just went to grab my headphones and it was stuck to them!
Randomize
