when i say i joined a midget dating site why do u assume i was drunk
I was thinking about baking his mom "sorry you found out i was sleeping with your son" cupcakes
stumble upon led me to how to make wine in prison, followed by wedding dresses. it knows my life too well
I can't wait to see you, I've been doing mouth stretches for the past 2 days
an off duty cop drove behind me last night to make sure i didnt get a dui. i was blacked out drunk and on a pill of ecstacy. he knew this. i must be really pretty.
Whenever you feel bad about your life, just remember the time I tried to swim while high and thought for a minute I was genuinely drowning
Our neighbors just passed us a blunt from their deck, and are hooking us up.
I just baked them cookies. We're friends now.
We attempted to microwave fifteen corndogs in the microwave and may have ruined it. Also there were fake mustaches on all of his appliances...he said he doesn't like drunk me.
I just had the stunning realization that I lost my virginity in a bunk bed.
Impressive. I've never gotten straight denied and then chased the guy naked out of my own apt. I'll remember that next time.
Just kidding. Don't worry, you're getting sugar and orgasms for Valentine's day.
If a clean cut ginger with a flannel and tattoos shows up at the apartment, he is allowed inside.
"can you come pick me up from the ikea parking garage i think i slept here"
apparently in the middle of sex, i said "i just really love the food network i watch it every day"
I accidentally sent my mom a nude picture of my ass... she replied with how did you get that angle ?
Randomize
