Even my Mr Clean Magic Eraser can't make last night disappear.
I told her I would melt her with my mustache. Needless to say, he pants were soon off.
For the millionth time in his career, Brett Favre has screwed over the Vikings
Well you really should've thought of that before you painted your walls the same color as your toilet
After he finished he proceeded to check my boobs for breast cancer.
and if planning a fake elopement keeps me from fucking strangers and doing drugs, i think it's good for me
Overheard-"sex" and "giblet gravy" in the same sentence. Best thanksgiving ever.
You know your acid trip is going well when the orange you're eating gives you a life lesson
Got drunk with him at an Irish pub ended up losing him for twenty minutes when I finally find him his piss drunk singing Irish folk music with a group of Irish guys and a midget
He meets the coolest people when he's drunk
I'm sure the lady doing my pedicure could smell the sex on me.
I always feel bad for the sober driver... Never been me but I feel bad... empathetic AF
Now I’m honestly wondering if I took this kids virginity
You were so fucked you introduced me to a pile of Laundry
I wondered why I slept in the front room
If I don't wake up tomorrow you inherit my paycheck and can only spend it at cinnabon
Hey. Did I get punched in the face last night?
Yeah. I told you I would and you didn't believe me.
Randomize
