I cannot find my penis.
oh vodka. i could write you a sonnet.
I cant date a girl that sucks dick at sucking dick
If a cop asks you "Where do you go for fun?", it's not a pick up line...especially if he just pulled you over.
Why are you speaking in third person?
Because I'm so hungover that I don't even want to be myself anymore.
Or I could just give you a blow job and make it up to you.
No, that's okay. Don't worry about it.
Going once.....twice.........sold to the girl who didn't really wanna do it anyway.
Have u seen my thong? Last time i saw it was drenched in vodka and on his brothers broken lamp.
Nah but tell him his boxers made it to the basement
Crap I still need to get you a wedding gift. I'm just gonna give you a bag full of cash, lube, and condoms. And I'll use furry handcuffs instead of ribbon to tie the gift bag handles together.
As sure as my left ball is bigger then my right. We will have our moment.
I still have your make up all over the inside of my thighs from the face sitting. Free tonight?
I think I sold my soul to a dominatrix last night.
Just ate Panda Express. Fortune cookie had no fortune in it. I actually prefer this. Less broken dream potential.
I want a shirt that says, "I'm sorry for the things I said when it was Taco Tuesday"
I got subtly pornographic with a lollipop while we were talking and he got flustered and started to blush. If he’s not interested after that I need to turn in my vagina card.
I need a significant other who'll eat Skittles from my boobs
Randomize
