if you made me into a cookie and threw me into a betty crocker easy bake oven on christmas morning...that's how baked i am
his internet history is a lot of porn, how to make a hovercraft and side-effects of jacking off too much
I had a dream last night that I had sex with Abe Lincoln. I must stop watching the History Channel before I go to bed.
My penis hasn't been this frustrated since I was like 13 and I awkwardly got boners at school dances
how do i say, "my ex is going to be at this party so don't look like shit" without sounding like a bitch?
morning after pill = breakfast in bed
They had some plan b on the table between the beer and the guacamole. Yeah, it's gonna be a fun party.
There's nothing I can say to make me pepper spraying you any better
Woke up with two cats staring at me. One covered in puke thats giving me a look that says it might be my fault. Where am I? Come get me.
I feel like I've been drunk all of June. And I am in NO WAY ashamed about it.
I'm. Arresyed bur sierra ue obbe of mt vet friends. I hope we can tyajk ane gwt ob the same page. Ur aweaome ttyl.
I'm a terrible friend...i should have come right over instead of having sex for an hour and a half. :/ want anything from burger king?
I'd do them all but honestly I'm so high that I probably should have a chaperone.
Also day 6: dick is healed and ready to go back to work.
I woke up in his closet, with my shirt inside out and backwards, Rolos in my hand, a tortilla with a face carved into it stuck to the fridge with a magnet, a homemade bong next to the bed, and the door off the hinges... I need a chaperone.
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