you left a giant bottle of vodka in my room from last night. does this serve as a parting gift or hush money?
"fuck a duck" is spelled out in chinese food on my counter... im kind of nervous to search the rest of my house......
Just talked to the girl you brought home from the bar last night while she was looking for her panties. She said to tell you "nice try".
I just saw someone EAT a flashcard out of frustration. Finals suck.
Because you know it would be fucking amazing to get trashed and shatter the dreams of 12 year old girls. I might get a shirt.
She just admitted to me that she was a pinecone.
I JUST FOUND AN INTERNATIONAL POLE DANCING CHAMPIONSHIP IN SPANISH
This is a sacred holiday in the land of the free! I do what I want!
Tequila, beer, rum, gin, and vodka all mixed in my body last night. The whole "never turn down free booze" is catching up to me. Hungover = understatement of the year.
That's the ultimate walk-of-shame: running away from your own apartment and hiding in a McDonald's.
Next time I feel awkward in a situation I'm going to just yell "free bird!!!!" Like some redneck at lynyrd skynyrd show
She looks like a beluga.
I want to splash her with water and when she screams say "I didn't want you to die. You looked parched"
You haven't lived until you've thrown up naked in a hotel room in Fargo while holding your breasts so they don't touch the toilet bowl.
Do you think you can chase a shot with chicken soup?
Just got a handjob in my psych lecture. You were right, going to class is paying off.
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