Just got mistaken for a cardboard cutout ad in line at Taco Bell. New low?
I woke up while squatting on top of my bed peeing on my comforter and my laptop
After skinny dipping in your pond, I think me and tequila have added a whole new dynamic to our relationship.
Everything that you guys said happened came back to me. like a tidal wave of regret.
did i mention he attempted to milk her in backseat?
I can't live in this building much longer. People are starting to figure out that it's me making the weird sex noises.
How bad is the voicemail?
You graded my boobs.... C minus. Asshole.
The band last night was really good
That was definitely karaoke. Guess that answers my follow up question on how drunk you were.
Why is there no Netflix category for "I just wanna cry, but I don't have time for a whole romcom"?
Lets just put it this way. Im meeting his nana after a mind blowing orgasm.
Weird thing is that's not the first time I've been felt up by a Santa. Happens every year
Def don't remember taking those pics I sent you...but it looks like I was in a car? Shit. Looks like my Uber passenger rating just went up exponentially.
I just opened a beer with a child's toy at a 5 year olds birthday....can you look up the next AA meeting?!!
I guess it's too forward to greet him with a blow job?
I couldnt sleep the entire night because her cats kept reaching under the door like they were trying to eat me for taking their place on her bed.
I always knew youd fuck a cat lady
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