Its about time the women of america have a president they can masturbate to again
i was born a porn star she said
I fucked him in a hamburger. literally. he has a hamburger bed.
All I need in life is some dick and a big mac.
It's a line of coke at 10 a.m. kind of Saturday. Don't be a pussy about life.
We've been broken up for 7 months. His mom sent me a card with a brochure inside titled "How at Risk for STD's are you?"
You're not invited to the wedding. They don't want you starting a "who's fucked the bride the most" contest.
do you think semen can infect my impacted wisdom tooth
My neighbor caught me peeing on his rose bushes at 2 in the morning while wearing my Santa hat. My sex appeal has never been higher.
Also, thank you for letting me cry in your lap on the bathroom floor. I can't remember if I was clothed at that point, but if I wasn't, extra thank you.
your life is going to be an empowering working mom montage tomorrow to Katy P's ROAR... --are you living in a yoplaít comercial?
Bring me pizza. I'll trade you your underwear you left here for 2 slices.
Its really awkward pooping while on videochat. Even if you turn the video off.
I just woke up in his bed.. in a cardboard castle, with a Justin Bieber poster on the ceiling staring down at me, cuddling with 4 empty PBR cans. I win.
Only you would offer whiskey to a man in liver failure.
Randomize
