I'm pretty sure my roommate has taken plan B more times than i've had sex. Not sure how that makes me feel.
All he did was lie there and used his hands to keep pace. He was like the metronome of sex.
Thanks for stopping me from doing a one man keg stand by myself clad in only a towel. that probably wouldve ended badly.
The voicemail says i shouldn't bother ever showing my face there again, i don't understand
We visited your boss last night. guess you wont be paying the rent this month, eh?
My neighbor just watched me eat a granola bar without pants, this is a whole new level of unemployed
Just met me in 10 years...this lady keeps an emergency wine cooler in her bag
I guess birthday shots aren't always the answer
Stayed out til 7 am.... Did u know there's a guy who goes up and down the quad at that hour playing bagpipes?
they drunkenly created an obstacle course for the poor hamster and its ball.
I miss you more than I would miss junk food if I went on a diet. And you've seen me eat, you know how desperate I'd be.
Why don't you throw your vagina at it and see what happens?
Woke up to the frozen soundtrack blasting in the living room best one night stand ever
I just want you to make me second guess my worth as a human. Is that too much to ask?
I want a dick in my left hand and a Crunch Wrap Supreme in my right hand.
I had to put my dog down, accidentally outed my brother, and was given a fucking fish sandwich instead of a Big Mac ALL IN ONE DAY! Am I really the person you want to consult for advice? Hhhmmmmmm?
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