apparently you CAN get banned from Nascar.
Remind me to tell you about the dream where im a fighting a super hero whose only weakness is sunkist.
Hey. Did u tell any1 that I use Nuvaring?
Cuz 1 of ur bf's frat bros just asked me if I wanted to "play ring toss later"
so he reminded me it was our 9 month anniversary and then said "we could've had a baby by now"
I thanked her for the handjob she gave me in the middle of the night. She had no idea what i was talking about. I think she sleep-jerked-me-off. Im def sleeping over tonight too
He gave me a pearl necklace on top of my Karma necklace I was wearing. I guess I deserve whats coming to me.
I just found a bag of teeth...
i just peed with my friends in your backyard... do you still live here
I deem it safe for us to drink together again.
They dropped the charges?
Yeppers. Come drink beers.
It's one of those mornings where you wake up and want to go to church for the first time in ten years. THAT shameful.
OMFG "ASS" JUST STARTED PLAYING ON MY PHONE VIA PANDORA AS IM IN THE CAR WITH A CONGRESSMAN FUCKKKK
I spent half an hour sculpting my pubes into a perfect triangle of really short hair, and the first thing he said when he saw it was "Don't you think you need a shave?"
There were containers of weed in the piñata. How much more Colorado does it get
I emptied a Vyvance capsule into my coffee pot last night and set the auto start. Pretty sure I've been drinking meth all morning
I woke up on the couch screaming in pain. I don't know how ended up there or why my foot was double the size. all I know is I'm now in a cast and never drinking tequila again. worst hangover ever.
Randomize
