I walked in on him cutting a hole in the condom.
the whole city is out of plan b pills. this is the meanest game of musical chairs ever.
I think the boy in my gender studies class cried when 90% of the girls said they had faked an orgasm
and when he finished he handed me a baby wipe so i could clean up. i'm ok with the fact that he has kids, but not sure how to react to this.
How long does it take to cook a corndog over a candle?
And our DD is passed out in the bathtub with the curtain closed. What happened tonight
I mean you were pretty drunk at one point you asked if we could have a glass of water ready for you in case you choked while bobbing for apples, but you said grape juice was preferable. You can't choke on an apple btw
You came over, called every girl Comrade Heather, and then declared that you were an Eagle, and we were your young.
So all in all, a good night.
This is one of those times I wish I had a time machine so I could go back and punch myself in the face to make me realize what I need to do before it's too late
So because I'm off tomorrow that means your dick could be in my mouth majority of that time
Apparently I called down to the hotel front desk and begged them to bring us pizza. They brought us tea.
This is a test message to see whether or not the recipient is alive.
My mother just set me up with the son of the man I fucked last weekend. I could crawl under a rock and die OR I could remember the rules of genetics and hope that JR takes after daddy. Wish me luck...
Yeah, we got drunk and stole road signs.
You left me a note that said "The Earth is blowing up. Bring the Rosé." WTF.
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