I woke up this morning in your mom's car... any ideas?
when your hometown is famous for abortion clinic bombings, hurricanes, and jude law's newest bastard, its probably time to move.
I wasn't on board with that statement until "home made dinosaurs"
I need a creepy friend to scare off the other creepy people
I would be honored to be that friend.
Stealing vibrators from Walmart together was when I realized you'd be my Maid of Honor.
I'm gonna have to fantasize about her dying just to get off.
Also, I think I'm too drunk to be at the gym right now. But how sober do you need to be for IM volleyball?
oh no, don't get me wrong.. she IS really pretty. If you are in to horses or Sarah Jessica Parker.
Just so were clear I meant the head your face is on
It's was about average. But he had a tat on his thigh that said "pull-out n' rollout" so I won't have to worry about a round two request.
She found the planted magnum condom..once she figured it out it was too late.
Don't send me nudes asking me to come fuck you on lunch break then send me a video of kids you're babysitting.
I woke up naked and surrounded by M&Ms
He started me on Celexa. I think I feel like Bjork. Is that normal?
Like... my feet feel like little octopuses, and they want to swim to the next room.
Just told my mom life fisted my asshole. She looked at me with complete understanding. I'm scared...
Randomize
