Hi
Babe...You're really smothering me right now
last night some bitch put bruce along with his entire fishbowl in her purse and tried to leave. how drunk do you have to be to steal someone's pet??
Apparently he always goes for the wrong girl so it should be easy for me to nail him.
If I send you a picture of the guy passed out in the bath tub, will u be able to identify him?
No flamethrowers. That is a direct order.
i just traded 2 rolls of toilet paper for half a water bottle of vodka. i love college
she's doing key bumps of parmesean cheese
Hope your thanksgiving is a complete blowjob festival.
hungover waitressing a bar association event. im being judged by actual judges.
I was taking a bath while he walked in, sat down on the toilet, and said "its like a baby, I can see it crowning."
They should make a traveling bouncer service to remove unwanted people from your house without getting the cops involved. That sums up my Friday.
I got really high and googled the history of Amish people for like an hour.
When he wakes up tomorrow with half shaved legs smelling like a preteens bathroom, I'm sure he will think he has had a great evening
Successful first night. Lost my phone. Front desk found it. Earthquake in wine country. Didn't feel it.
It's technically 2016 but since I haven't gone to bed I'm still counting it as 2015, so I'm gonna drink all the alcohol in my house so tomorrow I can become the better version of myself that I'll be for 5 minutes.
Randomize
