I'm at breakfast still drunk holding a blow up parrot
Why didn't you tell me that Dad was a registered sex offender?
We were going to tell you eventually, how'd you find out?
Our school resource officer showed us how to use Family Watchdog and pulled up his picture.
I think I will be cutting those pills in half...Jesus just tried to sell me a toothbrush.
Mystery solved. Def had ice creme last night. There is a melted half eaten ice creme bar next to the bed. Which had melted onto my pillow. That explains why it was in my hair too. Im a fucking sherlock holmes over here.
I just put fruit snacks in my sangria instead of real fruit. Its like freshman year all over again..
We couldn't afford sangria freshman year. We're lucky we had fruit snacks..
well, I yelled "the tribe has spoken!" at a boatload of people and then I walked home alone in the pouring rain at 1:30am. karma really is a bitch, yo.
Well we're either getting a bunny or I'm getting you pregnant in about 12 days.
Well we went from the roof to the stairwell to an air mattres. One day were going to fuck in a bed
WHY IS THERE NO EMOJI FOR "FUCK MY MOM JUST SAW MY SEX BRUISES?!"
He keeps bees of course he's weird
I woke up with what appeared to be LSD in my pocket. Know anything about this?
Dude the little bong I just got fits nicely in the cup holder in my car. The gods approve of my habits.
I was on the verge of being completely over him and then he went and made his Instagram not private... ITS LIKE HE KNEW
Sometimes i wish my vagina automatically turned itself off when i'm legally drunk.
welp, we watched the human centipede high last night and my mind literally shut down, when i came to all i could hear was mel saying EAT EAT HIS SHIT
Randomize
