I called you to phone bone last night, but you were out with your boring friends playing video games
You are possibly the most enthusiastic, likable bad influence I've ever met.
The crowning achievement of my weekend was hooking up with someone I'm at least facebook friends with.
Aww. I feel like I need to kill a puppy just to make room in the world for how cute you are right now
I am trying to think of a way to tell him about thanksgiving and the following weekend in a way that makes me sound funny and exciting and not like an alcoholic
It was a group decision to take your pants off. Took a solid 10 minutes. No more skinny jeans while drinking.
Ok let me just clear up this blowjob thing first so we can talk about your grandpa
Woke up in your shoes. Please tell me you woke up in mine
The bathroom smells like ribs. What did you do?
Dude. Where are you? There's a hot chick drunkenly dancing on the bar and aggressively taking shots to Pink songs. She looks like she needs a rebound. Get. Here. Now.
FUCK NYC TRAFFIC.
I just text my one night stand Happy Easter on her way home...now would be a good time for the lord to smite me.
I told her I'd rather set my hair on fire than sleep with her again. In retrospect, that was probably too harsh. My eye is still swollen shut.
Saw throw up in the parking lot at work, glad I'm not the only one. But now the search begins.
Mary's wearing shades at her desk, brilliant!
I'm always down for nudity.
So I just accidentally joined a bar crawl and got a free shotski of Jameson. I love life.
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