Alright folks.. i have made history - I just hit my 2nd PARKED car SOBER withing 6 months.. :*( wtf?!
if this week's events in iraq have taught me anything, it's that when pulling out, always expect a mess...
My life has hit rock bottom, I'm watching a movie on lifetime about retarded people falling in love. And I'm jealous of their relationship.
I took her to see 2012 then broke up with her, the movie was a metaphor.
Dude I think I vomited on the wireless internet box too...it isnt working.
We're too lazy to do dishes, so we're making sangria in a flower vase.
So they're giving me a CT scan because I probably have a hernia. From getting a BJ from you. Really. This may be a pivotal moment in my decision to write a book about my life
I apologize for getting really drunk, taking off my shirt, bitching someone out, crying, and breaking something at your party next weekend...
not saying it was a bad idea to throw an impromptu party but someone stole the microwave
We fist bumped behind their backs while drunk hooking up with them... Do other girls do this too? Or is it just us?
I'm not a home wrecker but if one more married man with a yacht asks me to go scuba diving I'm NOT saying no
8:30 every morning in the third floor bathroom we fuck in the handicap stall. You have your morning workout and I have mine.
Dude. Her vagina is a blender.
He took my necklace off while we were 69ing. His tongue never stopped moving either. Take that, guys who can't figure out how bras work.
How ya feelin sunshine?
Like a million dollars! ... That has been hit by a bus, drowned under water and beat repeatedly by a shovel.
Randomize
