New high or new low? Cat walked into the bathroom while I was taking a #2, looked @ me, sneezed and walked out..
Why are we friends again?
I just googled "semen solvent" and got nothing. there has to be something that will wash this shit off!
I see a marketing opportunity
I asked a girl to buy her a drink, she had I have a boyfriend, so I said, well i have a goldfish, she said what? I replied, oh I'm sorry I thought we were talking about shit that doesnt matter.
too bad being hungover isnt a job. just threw up from 9am to 5pm
and then he said he has been waiting since high school to touch my boobs
this bucketlist has just become an excuse for me to be slutty, and i'm not even ashamed
My dick just stopped my iPhone from falling into the toilet.
oh, it's pms. I almost cried yesterday bc my roommates didn't seem perky enough when I got home.
It would be like bopping for an apple with my penis but never winning an actual prize. The only thing I would get from it would be the joy from taking part but then regretting it forever more
In between when I last wrote and now have screwed a Swiss guy on a hostel bathroom floor. Okay, real life?
That was the first time I have seen a confused expression with a dick in the mouth
These shoes are way too nice for a walk of shame. Its how I keep myself in line.
My arms in a cast, how am I supposed to have sex with only one hand?
more importantly I need two hands to eat pie
She's going to jail in a few weeks but she just got a boyfriend. Yet I'm still single as fuck.
I JUST SENT A TOILET SELFIE TO THE WRONG PERSON.
Randomize
