The only reason why I invited him to my party was because he is suicidal.
IM INA KID IN KING ATURHTS CUNT!
A Kid In King Arthur's Court? Like the movie?
CUNT. CUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUNT
I lost control in the snow and hit a parked car. I went into our building to get a pen and paper to leave a note and when I came back the car was gone and there was a hot girl there. I used the pen and paper to get her number.
Just got motor boated by a horse in the street
I'm going to die alone in my chair and get eaten by my cat. That kind of break up.
Did you get an erection too during Paul Ryan's speech?
I wish men found my impeccable aim when spitting into the sink attractive.
my roommate just said she thinks she got a flashback or some memory of me getting hit by a car.
can I share that I'd like to fuck him in my new car as a sort of car warming present to myself?
I'm gonna write a song for the kids called "you're systematically killing your mother". In it I will explain that my recent hypertension and increase in smoking is due to them being dicks
We're snowed in with only two condoms. This will literally be valentines day russian roullette.
Whatcha doing tonight? Reply TURNUP if you are drinking, or STOP to cancel messages
Bring me a cialis. .. I feel like having a super dick today
It feels appropriate that the wallet of my high school and college years would die at the hands of a spilled bong. Which in and of itself is a solid metaphor for those years.
Also, we can't be seen together looking suspicious or sexually satisfied
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