You know if a vagina was a face, it'd be ugly as hell...
But I don't consider them one night stands. They're auditions.
FYI, if you pee in my bed (or even let R___ and E___ sleep in it), I will fart loudly during your wedding vows. Trust.
I was mid-pee and he walked in, claimed he was looking for his phone, and then asked if we could hook up since we were finally alone.
so yall hooked up?
Our local strip club now has karaoke. Do you realize what this could mean for my sex life?
drunk me just left notes all around the apt to remind shitfaced me that i have mashed potatoes in the fridge. do not take them down if you come home before me.
idk whats worse playing power hour to yourself, or the fact that you were having fun while doing it
Come back. She's looking through naked pics of his exes on his phone and questioning him about them and I'm too drunk to walk away.
Also while I am being the bigger person I plan on bringing over something strong smelling and/or alcoholic to torture the poor hungover bastard
Nice just gets you lonely or dead. I don't like those options.
My motherfucking vibrator ran out of batteries right when I was about to orgasm. It's like he's possessed everything sexual in my life and has compelled it to NOT SATISFY ME.
Yeah..I guess you know your hair looks like shit when TSA asks to inspect it
Can you send me a picture of your dog? I might need to borrow him so I can wear a speedo to a pool party on Friday
There aren't enough words in the English language to fully describe how worried I am for your dick. And the rest of you, I suppose.
That's good to know, because I will be doing terrible things to you. Terrible things, John, wicked, evil, maniacal things shall happen to you and I will have the audacity to call it sex
STILL COMPLETELY OKAY WITH THIS
Randomize
