Tip for today: never try to fart and swallow at the same time. You'll end up choking on whatever you are currently swallowing and shit yourself from the freakout of choking.
Is it wrong to want to cut a hole in the Tigger suit so I can molest you while I wear it?
At some point I made a semi-conscious decision that i was okay with sleeping in my own vomit.
just threw the rents a curveball by making french toast and bacon when i came home sober. good luck tellin when im high/drunk now.
just bought a $25 eighth from a chick who has a kid. i'm helping my community out right?
His dick was as big as my arm. Giving him a handjob was like giving someone an Indian sunburn.
So i know you wont get this until you land, but if i'm late its cause i was having sex. being blunt and hope that explains things.
Drunkenly auctioned off my bed for 3 tequila shots
I am watching the CFL at a Hooters in Texarakana. I made a poor life choice at some point that led me here.
Dear sober self: your car keys are in the glove compartment, your car is outside the church. I hope you're reading this from your own bed instead of someone else's.
I ended up naked with smirnoff caps on my nipples. Dignity is now a completely foreign concept to me.
I had to break it to her that she was not in fact behind the bushes when she peed on the church last night
I had sex with him in the back of my car in a duck onesie. I'm worth something dammit.
Just bought plan b at 8am. Then the cashier asked if I wanted to donate to the children's miracle network. Fml
My Hitachi broke 1 day into this stay home bullshit.
Randomize
