I swear, if I find out you're lying, I'm going to put your name on one of those herpes watch websites and put the link up on every social networking site in existence.
flash back: i gave smirnoff to a group of children at walmart
Just turned my microbiology homework into a drinking game. The words are getting blurry but I think we're really bonding.
I will return your cat, I saw a mouse in my apt last night and your door was unlocked, it seemed really practical
It only takes once for you to drunkly piss on a chick for her to lose interest in you.
How long can I microwave pasta with a 20 percent alcohol content?
Omg you had literally better be on fire, drowning, and being crucified all at the same time to be calling me at 7:30 in the goddamn morning.
My roommate says its rare that you can be tear gassed before you lose your virginity so i feel accomplished in life
Would it be a good deed to leave a 32 pack of bud light next to a bum sleeping in the park?
I was just laughing and almost crying after I orgasmed, and then almost crying because I was laughing so hard. That's new.
Does he think you're psycho?
Officially...... yes.
In the ER with Chelz, I may have broken her ankle during sex. Lovely.
Some guys phone started vibrating on the tv. I answered mine. That's how high I am.
So unofficially, he told me he deleted tinder because of me. I think that's a pretty romantic gesture in 2018.
Hey
Gfdhklhgfxzyuikl$
GODDAMNIT WHY AM I MISSING THIS
She complained to dominos last night for hanging up on her, and then she wrote "fuck you dominos" on the receipt when we got our pizza
So we are banned from the campus dominos
Randomize
