there are singles shoved down my panties. this is the type of summer job i always wanted.
HOLY SHIT! Did you see the dick on that Great White Shark?!?!?!
i popped this huge zit on her back while she was blowing me. it was like a disgusting metaphor for what happened 30 seconds later.
I'd like to apologize to your liver. It sees how much beer i drink and gets jealous of how awesome my liver is.
please don't go to jail. I'd hate to have to call the montgomery county jail every time I need sex advice
I think this hangover is going to kill me. If it succeeds I would like you to read a dramatic rendition of 'Trapped in the closet' complete with interpretative dance at my funeral.
Sorry my hands just texted you
I'm drinking and working out! I'm bench pressing the beer pong table and doing push ups and lifting the chair.
When cunnilingus is one of the first 25 words you say to someone there's a problem
#reasonsyoushouldnthaveatinder
The most adult decision I've mad today was Jameson or Fireball? It's been a successful Day
also I was promised more toga parties by popular media
This feels more like a conference of all the people I've fucked in the past year.
Hey, I left a taco in your dishwasher.
Good news! Blood’s flowing!
there is another microwave in the elevator.
Randomize