She's like the female version of the Momento guy. She keeps forgetting that I'm an asshole after we have sex.
Id pretty much put it in anything at this point. Jello. Dogs. 12 year old boys
Why do guys in porn never have boxers on?
better question: why do you always text me when you're watching porn
I couldn't remember if it was hamsters or Iraq that you hated. I'm so sorry.
He was carrying a rolled up carpet saying he was saving it for tomorrow's Walk of Fame.
you have no idea the dirty thing i want to do to your blad spot. please wear my vagina as a hat.
I feel like an ass. I'm not blacking out ever again. I want to clean your feet for a year. Just like Jesus did.
I can't take any time off so I'll be here drinking mimosas til I puke at home with my kitty
One failed naked backward somersault off the bed and I realize - I either need to drink less or workout more. Perhaps both.
Trust no bitch in laser tag. Not a single one.
With great boredom comes great irresponsibility.
Please tell me you're not on their roof again..
First Peyton Manning retires, and now the most interesting man in the world is retiring for Dos Equis. This is the worst week of my fucking life.
I just realized it's officially fall..I had sex while watching Halloween
A guy I don't even know just ate me out on a washing machine at a random persons afterparty. I came as it was going through spin cycle.Just kept thinking "who does laundry during a party?"
She was blacked out at her own party. It felt good to stand next to her while she laid on the floor and say "vomit does not look good on you."
Randomize
