Just met a synchronized swimmer, can you imagine the things she could do in the water
Legs for days
Harpoon that
So for Valentine's Day...I finally swallowed. I feel like I earned that steak.
I keep finding coffee grounds in my vagina
There's two girls at the bar sniffing each others boobs.
I love you, but you should know I'll always ditch you for weed.
So. Much. Sex. I feel like i ran a marathon then someone kicked me in the vagina. Soo worth it
Decided to go explore a half built apartment complex at 4 a.m and leave a 3 block obstacle course in the alley ways on the way home.
Thanks for gettin' me home, killa. Have no IDEA how I woke up pants-less on the bathroom floor at 4a.m. You're like a big, angry guardian angel.
Went to an open-bar law school party and puked in front of Justice Scalia. My legal career is now complete -- I literally got judged by a U.S. Supreme Court Justice. Can't get any higher than that.
Their children would look like the Michelin man and smell like chef Boyardee
My boobs keep hanging out of this shirt. I think thats the style I'm going for tonight
I got home at 1 am on a weeknight with lube in my hair. I'd say it was a successful first date.
I found three naked dudes in your bed this morning. Did we have a really weird break in or do you need to tell me something?
I paper cut my nipple reading mail topless
Imagine how different my life would be if I could find a man who gave me more pleasure than pizza at 2am when I'm drunk.
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