sometimes i wish i could just stick a turkey baster up there and suck out the blood
i had to do the walk of shame dressed as a leprechaun. I have never been more proud of my irish roots.
How long is a courtesy make out supposed to last??
Sorry about the voicemail last night, people in hostel thought getting the clap from cheating on me wasn't enough and you hearing a 6 foot 5 Swedish dude bang the shit out of me was needed.
I just saw the Mona Lisa in the background of a porno. Whole new appreciation for art. fuck you I'm cultured.
Just cause I'm shitfaced wasted every night waking up in random beds all over Manhattan does not mean I'm a mess.
Truth. Respect the hustle.
The DJ was throwing glowsticks into the crowd and managed to smack one guy in the face with them
Who gives a hand job to a 19 yr old one night then the next lets a 31 year old random man fly a plane to town and pick u up and take u to dinner?
Just brought out that old CCM hockey helmet. The one covered in sharpie penises with "DRUNK BUCKET" written across the front. The number of tally marks / initials from tonight's drunk stunts alone is equal parts inspiring and alarming.
LETS THROW SHIT OFF THE PORCH
Mom has wine in a to go cup. It's that kind of night.
I don't know what you're doing this morning, but obtaining Plan B is my number-one priority.
She gave me a boner for the first time in 9 years.
I wish there was a tumbleweed emoji. Because that would describe my vagina.
I will warn you that there is a pic of me riding a buffalo....and for the record, I was completely sober!!
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