When you only buy popcorn and condoms at the grocery store they know whats up.
You drunk invited us to do an intervention for you.
Target doesn't accept your signature for your credit card if you draw a dick on the pad. Even of your name is Richard.
You'd think somebody who rolls blunts like jesus himself could roll a god damn burrito
You paid a stripper $40 to choke me out last night.
Oh Julie took your pants off last night, I put your pajama bottoms on, and Rachel took your bra off. It takes a village.
When you get shitfaced you find strippers when I get shitfaced I speak to woodland creatures, do you see the dilema?
Explain why there's a meatball in my bong
Man, you got so high you own goaled yourself in FIFA then got up celebrating.
New vibrator arrived today.
How was it?
Who are these wee mortals we call men?
The man sent me a video of him doing the helicopter, the least I can do is go visit him in the hospital
On a scale from 1-10 how fucked up would it be to buy weed with my fafsa money?
It's a study aid
I was the only one in group sessions to bring up sex as a stress reliever. Some of those people were awfully judgy despite the fact we were all in a psych ward.
On a brief change if topic, last night I dreamt I got shit faced with bill Nye the science guy and we went bar to bar and explained the science of alcohol to everyone who'd give us free drinks. We wore bow ties
So I had Xanax for breakfast & I'm probably going to fuck my tennis instructor.
Randomize