I may or may not have just irish jigged at a bar. And broken out in a sweat from it. Not a good sign for that marathon yo.
she gave me one of her senior pics and told me specifically to give it to you. In other words she still wants to suck your dick.
last night they convinced you that a sharpie was a new style of chap stick... so when you wake up, you might want to do something about that
There are no words to adequately express my gratitude for sending me porn you found staring a former classmate.
He bought me Ben & Jerrys and then apologized for the fact that he was going to fall asleep before we could have sex
i actually pissed myself from laughing when I saw the old man in lingerie carrying a spiderman purse. I dont know if he was real or if it was the tequila, but my head hurts.
He turned me into a screamer. Guess I'm really not a lesbian.
It's a toss up. They'll either laugh and watch you drunkenly fuck on the beach or they'll throw you deep in Mexican jail.
You cant come. You're a Colorado native who drinks Bud over Coors. Fucking homegrown terrorist.
The only excuse this guy at the club had for trying to make out with me as soon as I met him was "I AM FROM MEXICOOO"
Apparently when your theatre teacher asks who the best actor of our time is, Nicolas Cage is not the right answer.
I just lifted up my shirt to scratch my stomach n a Dorito flew out of my pullover n it legit scared me when it hit me.
I'm six Popsicles away from an existential breakdown.
My liver is screaming fuck you right now.
He just said "I can't wait to penetrate you tomorrow" I sat in silence for a second...he attempted to save it by saying "I can't wait to enter you".
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