I'm currently googling how to make a dress out of a trash bag. It's going to be a great night.
hey what are you doing
hooking up with some marlborough girl. shes gorgeous!
i texted you because i like you, and i told my freinds you were my fiance. but sine we're not dating you're not cheating and i'm pathetic
it was like fucking gandolphs beard
I thought about donating plasma but thats not the way i want to find out that i have aids
You were Q-tipping mashed potatoes out of your ear.
I tried telling the cop that I don't do drugs, and that if he'd just take me home I could prove it by showing him my D.A.R.E. certificate.
I cooked you Mac and cheese when I was drunk and drugged. That counts for about 4 meals. Try harder
She had caution tape on her head and she blew me.
I took her to the bar and boom. All of my past slump busters were there. Shes cool enough to know what that means and said she was afraid they'd eat her so we left.
i sent my dealer a picture of the money i would pay him. i also told him i would pay him in cheez-its if he would prefer that.
My card got declined when I tried to buy dippin dots at 2 am, the lady gave them to me for free because "I looked like I needed them."
Goodnight Shia. Goodnight Moon.
You know your life has gone downhill when someone has to preface your night with "don't get locked in a porta potty"
I've Ubered to the bar three times this weekend to get my car but every time I get there I end up drinking. Still no car.
if people come over to pregame will you hide my Oreos?
Randomize
