she pooped in my shower. pooped. woke me up and said she thought she farted but it wasnt a fart i went back 2 sleep and found it hours later. no longer hooking up w chicks my moms age.
I need to sleep with 3 more guys by midnight to meet my 2010 resolution..
All i remember is people cheering me on to drink faster than the dog, out of the dog's bowl. I just couldn't stop.
She just sent me videos of her blowing my little bro and my best friend... worst. ex. ever.
For my 21st birthday, I require a kiddy pool filled with vodka. Make it so.
remind me to get a blood sugar test this week. I'm pretty sure I'm a mojito away from diabetes.
He made me write my name on his wall in crayon so he'd be able to remember it in the morning
I tried snowmobiling at 2 am. I broke my glasses. You're right. Things do get out of control.
I just had a drunk lesbian experience.... How do I break it to my boyfriend??
Good, be his mentor. Like a tiny gay Yoda.
He's giving me the absolute bare minimum amount of attention. Like whatever motherfucker, I've had like six super likes on tinder today
How do I tell this guy that if he does not like the condoms at my apartment, he should bring his own without sounding like a sure thing?
Say it's BYOC night at the beach. And, you are a sure thing. Own it.
Got my client divorced finally. He was even awarded the cat ashes. Yep I went to law school for this.
I'm currently watching porn and playing beer pong with wine in the lobby of a hotel with a squadron of hot airforce guys. You can never say your life is better than mine again
Fuck your bullshit loser kid and his gluten allergy.
Randomize
