You give one guy a hand job and suddenly everyone wants to get with you
hey. who tried to drive me home last night?
not sure. we got lost. what do you mean "tried"?
i'm still in their car. parked on the beach. no one else is here. i have on different pants.
Convinced the bartender that I'm a congressman. Free Drinks. God bless America.
You layed on my kitchen floor with a pile of m&ms at your crotch, said "your lightbulb don't match, is that one new?"
I legitimately woke up with a girl trying to snort cocaine off my dick.
Penises. Penises everywhereeeeeeeee. Penis ratio is sooo disproportionate. I can't NOT get laid tonight.
Softest bathroom rug I've slept on in my life, there have been many
They left me passes out in the food donation bin with an empty handle and a half eaten box of nutter butters
Realistically anyone can come I don't care it's Boston what do I own boston? No. I just don't want people who are gonna give me "why are you doing that" kinda look when I take birthday shots out of my birthday babe shot glass necklace.
They were loudly fucking last night and there was way too much conversation involved. It wasn't even dirty talk, it was more like "your doing it wrong" talk
also Jesus you really need to change your diet. I just washed your baby gravy out of my hair and it's so acidic my hair is damaged. You have killer sperm
Speaking of fellatio on fictional characters, the Stay Puft Marshmallow Man would be a delicious blowjob.
I just saw two homeless guys bond over the fact that they both use Crown Royal bags as wallets in Burger King.
I manage to fit my wine bottle in my koozie and the rest is history
He got me off while watching hockey. He's a keeper.
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