She punched my vomit. In midair. Back into my mouth.
just passed out while on hold to see if i left my debit card at the bar last night.
You were crying and asking his mom "why doesn't he like road head?"
I just had a dream that I was pulling you around downtown on a sled, from bar to bar. Dear lord if we start that there's no hope for us
Went to the doctor's today. The lady took one look at my throat and said "oh god"
Too much penis in there.
I convinced a shit ton of people I was a russian foreign exchange student to get free drinks. I knew learning those accents would come in handy.
Going to be a long day. text me later. Sorry I puked in your sink.
I only remember singing the Captain Planet theme song on our way to the bars.
Someone came in the potted fern
He just unloaded a dump truck full of red flags on my head.
I really don't want to get drunk alone tonight. Like, I'll do it, but I won't enjoy it.
Wait, cocaine is okay but tanning isn't?
Thanks to a bad fart decision during a production meeting, I am now on my way to Target to buy new pants. How is your day?
We need to know if his feet match his cock.
I think I may have gotten way too used to using my boobs as an extra hand/pocket...almost stabbed myself in the chin bc I forgot I put my fork there
Randomize
